I want to ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly. Do you typically view life as happening to you, or do you consider yourself in control of your life, an active participant in the events that transpire?
This question is the core of our discussion in this week's episode on knowing (and living) the difference between a victim's mentality and a victor's mentality in your life. The challenge, of course, is that a victor's mentality is a choice we have to make. And we don't make it once. We have to make it over and over and over, every single day — heck, sometimes multiple times a day.
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In the heat of the moment, when anger or fear flashes through our bodies, it can feel easier (healing or cathartic, even!) to point at the world and yell, "Why are you doing this to me?!" Then there are those moments where we are truly the victims of the actions of others, where holding others accountable is not only warranted but absolutely essential as we chart a path forward.
That's why, when we look to live a life beyond our norms, our confining defaults, simply defining what a victim mentality is isn't enough to step into the mindset of a victor. Becoming a victor requires you to not only possess self-awareness and a willingness to accept responsibility, you also must practice forgiveness and compassion.
And that is where our conversation begins.
What is a victim mentality vs. a victor mentality?
How do you tell the difference between moments of embracing victimhood and rightfully holding others accountable?
Is there such a thing as going too far AWAY from a victim mentality? Is there a time when it's OK to feel your feelings? Is there such a thing as taking too much upon your own shoulders?
In that moment where you feel feelings of victimhood arising, where you're viscerally reacting to something rather than thoughtfully responding, how do you bring yourself back to center with a victor mentality?
How do you measure success with your mentality?
What is the difference you've seen in your life when you make purposeful strides toward choosing the role of victor in your own life, rather than the victim?
Are you in an abusive relationship ... with yourself?
When asked what someone can do to develop healthy expectations for themselves, George shared how important mindfulness, meditation, and journaling can be for this act of holistic self-discovery. The process for getting to know yourself should include:
Empowerment: We must understand that while we can't control every aspect of our lives, we have significant influence, aka power, over how we respond to and interact with our life circumstances. This sense of empowerment fosters confidence and a proactive approach to life.
Responsibility and accountability: Those who have or want a victor's mindset embrace responsibility for their actions and their lives. Rather than attributing their challenges or failures to external factors, they look inward to determine how they can change or adapt.
Resilience and perseverance: Resilience is a hallmark of a victor's mindset. It's about bouncing back from setbacks and viewing obstacles as stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks.
Positive and proactive attitude: As victors, we are characterized by our positivity and proactive nature. We don't wait for opportunities to come to us; we create them. This attitude drives us to pursue our goals with enthusiasm and determination, always looking for ways to advance and succeed vs. shutting down and giving up!
Solutions-oriented approach: Rather than dwelling on problems, those of us who have or want to have a victor's mindset focus on finding solutions. This approach keeps us moving forward and prevents stagnation.
Growth mindset: We have an entire episode dedicated to growth mindset, because it is a key to being a victor in your own life. I encourage you to listen to it, but as a sneak peek, it involves a commitment to lifelong learning and an openness to feedback and new experiences.
Adaptability and flexibility: The ability to adapt to changing circumstances and to be flexible in the face of new challenges is crucial. As victors we understand that rigidity can be a barrier to success. We are willing to adjust our strategies as needed, demonstrating agility in both thought and action.
Are you Focusing on Blame?
Do you often find yourself blaming others or external circumstances for your challenges and unhappiness?
When things go wrong, is your first instinct to look for someone or something to blame?
How Do I View Challenges?
Do you see challenges as insurmountable problems or as opportunities for growth and learning?
When faced with a setback, do you feel completely powerless, or do you look for ways to overcome it?
What is Your Response to Feedback?
How do you react to constructive criticism or feedback? Do you get defensive, or do you see it as a chance to grow?
Do you take feedback personally, or do you use it as a tool for self-improvement?
Am I Ruminating on Past Hurts?
Do I find myself constantly thinking about past injustices or hurts?
How much of my energy and thoughts are consumed by past events?
Do I Feel in Control of My Life?
Do I believe that I have control over the direction of my life, or do I feel at the mercy of external forces?
What steps am I taking to actively shape my life’s trajectory?
How Do I Perceive Myself in Relation to Others?
Do I often compare myself to others and feel like I always come up short?
Do I feel like the world is against me, or that I am unfairly treated more often than not?
Am I Open to Change and Growth?
Am I willing to change aspects of my life, or do I resist change even when it's beneficial?
Do I believe in my capacity to grow and improve?
What is My Outlook on the Future?
Do I feel hopeless about the future, or am I optimistic about the possibilities ahead?
Do I have goals and aspirations that I’m actively working towards?
“Your complaints, your drama, your victim mentality, your whining, your blaming, and all of your excuses have NEVER gotten you even a single step closer to your goals or dreams. Let go of your nonsense. Let go of the delusion that you DESERVE better and go EARN it! Today is a new day!” ― Steve Maraboli
“I am not a victim. No matter what I have been through, I'm still here. I have a history of victory.”
― Steve Maraboli
“There is a fine line between compassion and a victim mentality. Compassion though is a healing force and comes from a place of kindness towards yourself. Playing the victim is a toxic waste of time that not only repels other people, but also robs the victim of ever knowing true happiness.”― Bronnie Ware
“Self-pity is spiritual suicide. It is an indefensible self-mutilation of the soul.” ― Anthon St. Maarten
“Abandon the idea that you will forever be the victim of the things that have happened to you. Choose to be a victor.”― Seth Adam Smith
“Victims declare, 'The world is responsible for me,' and never do anything to better their quality of life.”
― Henry Cloud
“The more we see ourselves as victims who need to be saved, the more we’ll attract people offering to help. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it keep us depending on others and hence, stuck in the disempowering cycle of the victim mentality.
Truly, once you save yourself the universe will somehow conspire to help you out. But the work must be ignited from within. A the very end, we are our own victim as well as our own saviour... the rest are mere excuses.”― Omar Cherif
The Power of Forgiveness, Part II: The Healing Power of Forgiving Yourself
Good Ego vs. Bad Ego: What to Do When You Get Too Big for Your Britches
Unlocking Your Inner Power: Self-Love, Core Circles, + Spiritual Wisdom
Navigating the Starting Lines of Your Life + the Finish Line You Deserve