It doesn't matter whether we consider ourselves introverts, extroverts, ambiverts, or some other yet-to-be-discovered "vert," we humans are social creatures. But the one person we spend the most time talking to isn't our best friend, a parent, or a spouse.
Whether we realize it or not, that person we talk to the most is ourselves. Morning, noon, and night — consciously or not consciously; with mental pictures or with an inner dialogue; out loud or with our "inside voices" inside our brains – we are constantly chattering away to ourselves ... often about ourselves.
⚡ Related: Good Ego vs. Bad Ego and What to Do When You Need to Tame It
I'll be the first to admit that, when I catch myself talking to myself out loud when I'm by myself, I sometimes worry if I'm crazy. But for those of you out there who may be like me, there's tons of scholarship out there that shows talking to yourself (out loud or to yourself) is a totally normal way and often essential way to process thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Now, if you live alone (like I do), you may be more prone to do this out loud rather than simply in your head. However, the substance of your dialogue with yourself about yourself (referred to as "self-talk" by many) matters quite a bit:
Self-reinforcement: "I am prepared for my talk, it will go great tomorrow!"
Self-management: "Don't forget to call the bank today."
Social assessment: "When I ask him out, he will likely say yes."
But what if we don't default to more neutral or positive talk tracks about ourselves?
"I sounded ridiculous during that call."
"I can't ask him on a date, why would he EVER want to date someone like me?"
"Of course I forgot to call the bank today. I can't trust myself with anything."
"Why did I volunteer for this presentation?! I'm going to make a total fool out of myself."
"I'll never amount to anything, why even bother trying?"
On its surface, these are just words, right? Not quite.
We've talked about this throughout a number of episodes so far, but the language we use to talk to ourselves – particularly about ourselves – is tremendously important. The words we use to describe ourselves and our surroundings dictates how we think about ourselves and our surroundings. From there, our actions take over, in accordance with those thoughts.
That's why this week, we're digging into the linguistic relationships we have with ourselves, and how simple shifts in our self-talk can have a massive impact on our ability to live beyond our default.
How has George's relationship with the language he uses to talk about himself shifted over the years?
What was the turning point that made George realize that the language he was using to talk to himself about himself had a dramatic impact on his life?
What do our day-to-day self-talk rituals look like in practice?
How do you think well-meaning folks end up trapped on the wrong side of the ego spectrum? Even with the best of intentions, it can happen!
When do we find it the most challenging to keep the language we use about ourselves positive? How do we combat those more challenging moments?
You talk a lot about everyone having the ability to CHOOSE THEIR DAY based on the language they use – what does that mean?
What becomes possible when we are more mindful about the language we use with ourselves?
The language we use influences our mindset and the direction of our lives. Consider the power of speaking to yourself using your name, a technique George B. Thomas adopted. It plants a seed of self-belief, nurturing it until it grows into a robust tree of self-trust. This simple shift in language can be a catalyst for positive change.
George emphasized the importance of being the captain of your own ship. You must chart the course for your life, set your destination, and use the right language to get there. Just as a captain inspires confidence in their crew, you must believe in yourself and your ability to lead those around you to their desired destinations. This self-belief is essential for personal growth and success.
"The Sapir-Whorf hypothesis states that the grammatical and verbal structure of a person’s language influences how they perceive the world. It emphasizes that language either determines or influences one’s thoughts."
This illuminating summary includes an incredible example of the disparities between the English language and the language of the Hopi, which we discuss during this episode:
This article includes a number of powerful techniques to consider, but the one that jumped out at me the most was this:
"In a study, people who used the first-person when talking to themselves before a task were less effective than those who spoke to themselves in the second- or third-person. Creating psychological distance in our self-talk, then, can help us calm down and face challenging moments."
So, me saying, "Liz Moorehead is trustworthy. Liz can do this, Liz is trustworthy," is more effective than saying, "I can trust myself," OR, "You can do this! You've got this!" Speaking in the third person, "Liz Moorehead can TOTALLY do this," removes stress and added pressure by disconnecting us with our caveman brain:
"Research shows silently referring to ourselves by name instead as 'I,' gives us psychological distance from the primitive parts of our brain. It allows us to talk to ourselves the way we might speak to someone else."
The first-person approach is still totally effective, but additional research shows that this third-person approach can be helpful for folks who really struggle to regulate in the face of negative situations or are on the first part of their journey toward self-love.
It helps us put into practice that thing many of us like to say to others and ourselves, "What would you tell a dear friend if you heard them talking about themselves the way you talk about yourself?"
"In recent years, Heidi Wayment and her colleagues have been developing a 'quiet ego' research program grounded in Buddhist philosophy and humanistic psychology ideals, and backed by empirical research in the field of positive psychology. Paradoxically, it turns out that quieting the ego is so much more effective in cultivating well-being, growth, health, productivity, and a healthy, productive self-esteem, than focusing so loudly on self-enhancement.
To be clear, a quiet ego is not the same thing as a silent ego. Squashing the ego so much that it loses its identity entirely does not do yourself or the world any favors. Instead, the quiet ego perspective emphasizes balance and integration. As Wayment and colleagues put it, 'The volume of the ego is turned down so that it might listen to others as well as the self in an effort to approach life more humanely and compassionately.'"